Pause and Resume?

For a while I was thinking this pandemic and stay in place order would be a pause. Thought we’d sort of freeze in time until it was over, like a game of freeze tag or statue maker. “Stay in place” until it ends. I was thinking when it was over it would be like a spell being broken, and we’d awaken and resume…just step into the next thing we were about to do before it all started.

Yesterday I was organizing my home office…in a burst of enthusiastic energy I thought I’d rearrange things, make room for more of what I have going on now, move some real estate work stuff and make some space for colored pencils, my art journal, stuff like that. I ended up going through all sorts of work things…stacks of articles, magazines, files. I pitched so much stuff. 

“I don’t want this anymore.”

“This is going to be obsolete.”

“I want to learn more about this.”

“I’m going to move this and make more room for that.”

The reorganizing of my office was experiencing in a physical, tangible way the recognition this time is not a pause. I haven’t spent much time in my office space since this crisis began. My work table has been mostly untouched for weeks. I didn’t set out to reorganize my work but when I went to rearrange things I realized I was hanging onto things that I already know will no longer work for me. Work will be different, it’s already different…even with little or no work going on it’s already changed and the changing isn’t done. 

 I haven’t done much in these days…slept, watched a movie, read a book, “zoomed” with family, eaten a meal, repeat, repeat. The day-to-day does feel like a life pause…for a while I thought I was only filling hours, days, until life will resume. But I realize, like my table or my work, there is within myself an inner rearranging of things. 

“I don’t want this anymore.”

“This is obsolete.”

“I want to learn more about this.”

“I’m going to move this and make room for that.”

Who knows what any of it means, or what it will look like…I’m only certain it won’t be what was before. Whatever we are doing, or not doing, we are not paused. We are rearranging, hanging onto, learning more, letting go in ways we may not even be aware of, but we are changing. We won’t be able to simply resume. 

I don’t have any of it figured out yet. I think sometime in the not so far away soon, my days will be filled differently than they are right now and I will probably need to rearrange my table again, but I will not resume, I will have changed from this time and will be starting anew.


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